Thursday, January 27, 2005

Midway to Midlife Crisis

The longer I live, I find, the more I crave security. Maybe that makes sense, but I have to admit I really grieve the reality that implies.

I used to be a pretty adventurous guy. I mean, I was not one to do wildly illegal stuff; I never really even smoked. But I was willng to go anywhere, try anything. Pick up and leave everything? No problem. Start over? Sure.

Part of the reason for that I suppose is thatfor a time back then I had not that much to leave behind. I had no wife, no kids, no reputation, no family that I cared about. Later, after I became a Christian, I had a spiritual family, but I also had a spiritual zeal, a courage, that allowed me to belie I could go anywhere God asked. And I did too. I lived 1000 miles from my hometown, I moved to a fairly remote village, all in the name of Christ. I moved frequently. That took courage, going to new places all the time, knowing no one.

Nowadays though I find it takes more courage to stay put. I am now scared to stay in one place too long. I got so used to moving and making short term relationshps that my security was found in finitude. I now have a family I love, a reputation to be concerned about. That's a big change for me.

The reality now is that I am afraid to have deep relationships. Moving around meant having to make good, sometimes very good, friends in a short time, knowing that they were temporary. The propsect of a life-long friendship is now more real, and that frightens me. It is hard for a life-long nomad to settle down in one spot.

Who would have thought that setting down roots would give me a crisis of security?

I believe that I am but a stranger in this world. This world is not my home. Neverthless I now realise that I am here making relationships with brothers and sisters in Christ that will last for eternity. I had better get around to enjoying them now.


whirligirl said...

aw, brent, you're just nervous/frustrated about buying a house. it's really not that bad.

Kim said...

So if you are mid way to mid life crisis, does that mean that you are mid life at age 70????